YouTube Junkie much?

I've been sitting on my bum, sorta-maybe-probably not doing my schoolwork. Instead I've been spending my time watching a butt load of YouTube videos.

If you learn anything from this post it should be that I have no life. I mean, absolutely no life. (And I'm most likely going to take 29742947 breaks in the process of writing this post because I'm having serious Youtube withdraws. And why is it taking me so long to type things out? I feel like I'm typing at the rate of a snail...if a snail had fingers, of course.)

So, to put an end to my insane rambling (actually, I don't think this will stop it at all...) but I'm going to make a list of some of my favorite YouTubers. :D YAY!

Okay, so I'll limit myself to 5. Oh, and not in a particular order.

1. Ryan Higa

and...

Yeaaaah. Do I need to say anything? 

2. KevJumba

+

=

AAAWEESOOOMMEEE. 

3. Shane Dawson

                                     

So, he gets one video. There are so many of his and I can't remember all of my favorites. xD (Good fan, aren't I?) 

4. Chester See

                                     

Pahahahaha! Love. This. Video. xD

and I love this song....

And 5. DaveDays

Mwahahaha! Great idea. Best Justin B. parody ever. 

And I love this song. I bought it. :]

Okay. I'm done. 

And may I just say, I am not watching YouTube videos....

I'm watching stupid T.V shows on Hulu. 

Yay, me got brains! :D

**Jocelyn**

5 Ways to Beat Up Depression

I usually envy people who are strangely optimistic, which results in unnecessary hate. But I shouldn't hate them. I should actually listen to them. 

As someone who has depression I need to be optimistic. I need to be able to tackle things with a bold, bright positive attitude. When I don't, I set myself up to fall. It is hard dealing with depression. I tend to take the door to my mind and heart and slam it tight, so no one knows the depression I face. 

It wasn't till yesterday that I told any of my friends I struggle with depression. It only came out when another friend mentioned having serious panic attacks, which I also fight with. (Funny side note: Once a panic attack caused me to think my shower was a shark. It isn't funny to me, but to everyone else it should be dag blam hilarious. xD) 

Anyway. I realized, at least for me, having depression is just like having an extra choir everyday. It takes work to deal with and it won't be easy. You can't snap your fingers and it will--poof!--be gone. No, instead you have to full on fight it, in the ring, everyday and one day you'll stand champion over it. 

Sure, fighting it isn't easy. In fact, it's probably is the hardest thing ever, but you can do it. So here are my 5 Ways to Beat Up Depression. I don't know if they're bullet proof, but they make logical sense. So, here we go!

1. Attack the Negative with a Positive 

When you have depression, negative thoughts come naturally. You don't even realize they are there until someone points it out. So, one of my first steps is to recognize your negative thoughts and reactions. Once you do that, you'll realize some of your negative reactions are a little absurd. And when you gain the ability to see your negatives, take the time to replace them with positives, or, as I say, attack them with positives. It doesn't matter if you don't necessarily believe your positives, because the truth is half the time we don't believe our negatives.  If we start using positives at the same time as negatives, soon, hopefully, we'll be balances out. 

2. Childish Thoughts vs. Adult Thoughts 

My therapist (is it bad that I remember how to spell therapist by putting together the rapist?) once explained to me something interesting about how our minds work. Things that happened we were younger were seen through a child's eyes, not an adults. Everything is taken in a different when you're a child. But the problem is, when you're older and you're looking back on a moment in the past, your memory comes from the child you. So, some things are dramatized and irrationality perceived. A 20 year old looking back on their parents divorce when they were five may still blame themselves for the divorce because they see it in the memory of their five year old self. The tool is to stop those irrational thoughts and return to your adult mind and think through it like an adult. Every time you deal with something from your past, remember who you were at that time and try to work through it in your 'adult' mind. 

3. Stay Focused on Your Target 

You hear it a bunch: "Stay focused!" Maybe in sports, dance, school, etc. But when you're fighting depression, stay focused on your goal. But in order to do that, you have to know what your goal is. Mine, personally, is to be strong enough to still have that lingering depression but still be able to live life with a smile on my face and the urge to be better and better. (If THAT made sense.) Once you have that goal in sight, make a dash for it. But you have to be aware of all the hurtles, pitfalls and other crap that will get in your way. Don't be afraid of the troubles that lay ahead, stay focused on your goal and give what you can to reach it. And don't set a goal the benefits only you, because in the end it only destroys you. Pick something that helps you by miles, but in some way can help other people around you. 

4. Don't Be Afraid to Try 

One of the worst things depression can do to you is shove you deep down into a little box. It makes you want to draw away from the whole world and have no outside contact. It seriously makes you want to lay there and never give up. Counter that blow with the exact opposite. Try new things all the time and don't be afraid of what other people think. I know, easier sad than done. But start with something small, like eating a new meal or walking a different route. Routine can be depression secret weapon. Why? Because then we get stuck in the routine and expect noting else and when things do get changed up, against our will, it drives us crazy. So, try, try and try again! (Wait...wrong context.) 

5. Enjoy Everything. 

Enjoy everything, even the hard battles. If we can look at our life and at least muster a pleasant smile, then we're doing good. When you're depressed, you tend to undermined yourself. You tell yourself that your life is a waste of space, on and on. And that's a lie. Everyone else knows that is a lie. You just have to realize that yourself. And you can do that by loving every moment of your life, embracing it. Hell, everything that has gone wrong in your life has been to your benefit. The wrongs have made you aware, ready for the next one, and stronger. Sure, they suck worse than a vacuum, but they are helpful in some ways. Look at your life and know that you're footprint on this world is a beautiful one, enjoy every moment of it. Depression is good at making us feel void when reality is, we're God's delight. 

I really hope my 5 steps help. I just came up with them myself and am using them to work on myself. Maybe, together, we can kick down depression. 

And maybe I'll shut up because this is getting WAY too sappy. ;]

**Jocelyn**

Christmas

Yesterday and this morning were like walking with a 200 pound block on my back. And every once and a while it felt like a family member would laughingly press their foot against the block.

I cried for at least four hours last night. I finally took medication to knock me out.
But, finally, that cloud of depression has lifted and I'm back to normal. I had these random attacks of depression. Maybe I am bi-polar. It drives me crazy.

And, of course, I had to start my Christmas off like that. So depressed, only to have my mother snap at me about my mood.

Finally, after church I felt a little better. I felt even better when I had lunch and got to open the rest of my presents. So, hopefully my big, black cloud isn't coming to visit any time soon. God, I hope not.



Anyway, how has your holiday been? I have to go, but I love you all! MERRY CHRISTMAS! :]


**Jocelyn**

Mergh.

Mrgh.

It's Christmas Eve! Why am I so upset? Why am I blaming red, teary eyes on allergies? >.>

Dammit.

I'll expand later, when I'm not dealing my family of collective ass holes. Seriously, I want to go kick someone. Hard. Like so hard that they're knocked back to their 16th Christmas. Unless that someone is younger than 16.  Then I'll knock 'em back to the first Christmas. '

Wow. I need to calm down. Where is so alcohol for a minor when you need it? I need to chill. Drastically. (No, I don't drink. I'm just being stupid. It's a reoccurring theme in my life.)


*a rambling depressing post will soon be put here*


**Jocelyn**

Newest Addiction: The Lonely Island

My newest addiction is Andy Samberg.
Well, mostly what he does. I should say my newest addiction is Saturday Night Live. Or, maybe I should say it is the Lonely Island.

Don't know them?

Okay then. Here you go (warning: there is a lot of cussing if I'm right.):

So, you have to have a particular humor to like them, I guess. I have no clue. I just know I like them. And my favorite, of course, is Andy. I don't know why I like him best ether. xD They're obviously comedians, not wanna-be singers. But their music isn't like nails on chalkboard. It's not amazing, but it is super funny.

Anyway, I've become addicted to all things SNL and The Lonely Island and even Andy Samberg.
Is this a sign that I have no life?

Hell yes it it, hell yes.


**Jocelyn**

Christmas List Anyone?

My If-I-Could-Get-Anything-I-Wanted Christmas List




1. Another camera lens. (Yes, I do photography.)
2. An iPad. This list is already about $1,000 dollars. Hm, wow. xD
3. All my families bills to be paid.
4. All our house's problems (this list is so long.) to be fixes. Basically, we need a new house.
5. A new T.V, DVD Player and VCR Player.
6. A chocolate model of me. I want to eat myself. xD
7. For my brother and sister in law to have a private adoption.
8. Cable T.V
9. My own gym/dance room.
10. :]


What is your If-I-Could-Get-Anything-I-Wanted Christmas List? Do tell.


**Jocelyn**

Bird Ring!

Today, for the first time in forever, two friends who I have been seemingly separated from came to one of our favorite shopping centers with me. I wasn't excited, or nervous,or anything. We had never really something like this and we've known each other for 10 years. 10 years.

We use to be so close. Then something, I don't know what, tore us down. We slowly rebuilt our friendship back into existence, but now something doesn't feel the same. When I'm with them, and just them (it's different around groups of friends), I feel like I'm swinging my arms around wildly trying to figure them out in this darkness. I want that friendship back, but it feels like I'm forcing something that just won't, can't and doesn't want to be. And that hits me in the gut like a hammer.

I dunno.
But I did have a good day. I've found a new shop that I'm in L-O-V-E with. It is called Charming Charlies. There I found one of the best rings in history. It is this golden bird, twisting around, wings splayed in different directions. It's so beautiful. It takes up half my finger. I like big rings.

I was debating between that one and this dazzling blue, green rhinestone lizard. Yes, I like animals.

Then, when we stopped by Clarie's, I checked the clearance rack and found so cute, blue and gold earrings for only $3.50. Very pleased.

I like finding some things I'll never stop loving. I mean, I know I can't say no to the bird ring. I'm going to be wearing it a lot.

Can you believe that Christmas is so close? One week basically. I have only gotten one present. Major shopping MUST be done. xD I hope that I don't do everything last minute. Because I do that too much already. I seriously can't procrastinate on Christmas presents!

What are you asking for this holiday season? Hm?

I asked for a list of random things. Mostly gift cards and money. I mean, honestly, those are the best gifts. People can get you a gift, but you get to decided what you buy with them. And I like that control. xD

I mean, who doesn't?

**Jocelyn**

Christmas Movies

Disclaimer: I'm not in  bad mood. xD

CHRISTMAS IS...

Decorations. 

Hot CoCoa.

Christmas Trees.

Snuggling. 

Crappy, cheesy movies my mother forces me to watch. 

Seriously. Almost every day has ended with a piece-o-crap Christmas movie that makes me want to go puke in the tree stand. Yes, I am aware I'm sounding like a Grinch. No hating. 

I love Christmas. I freaking ADORE it. But I entirely loathe (haha, a good Christmas movie right there) bad, so-sappy-my-jaw-is-stuck-to-the-floor Christmas movies. The holidays aren't for curling up and watching movies about Timmy, the poor boy who wins the lotto, gets cancer then DIES. Oh, wait. No, everyone sings a Christmas carol at the end and sheds a few tears for Timmy. That makes everything better! 

Timmy is probably thinking, "FML...oh, wait. I'M DEAD, PEOPLE. YOU COULD DO A LITTLE MORE." 

Anyway. I'll stop being Mrs. Grinch and tell you about Christmas movies I DO like. 

Everyone likes the classic tale of A Christmas Carol. I like it even better when the Muppets do it, or when there is a clever twist on it, like Scrooged. 

I also love How The Grinch Stole Christmas. I remember when I first saw it, I was scared of the Grinch. And too this day, in the beginning, when he does that evil smile, I can not look with out screaming. Seriously. I don't like creepy smiles. They haunt me. They haunt me like mental images of fat dudes in spandex. 

One of my all time favorites is A Christmas Story. I laugh a billion times no matter how many times I see it. Honestly, if you don't laugh in that movie, or don't think its funny, then you're ether the Grinch's ugly child or your insane. Just letting you know. 

And I don't mind exploring all the Christmas movies out there. But, honestly, half of them turn out to be directed towards burnt out mothers who want to sit on their bum, down too many sugar cookies and cry. And I'm pretty sure those mothers would agree half of these Christmas movies don't even cut that ribbon. 

So, in short. I like Christmas movies. I love Christmas. 

I hate stupid, sappy Christmas movies that have no point other than to make you puke. 

Ho, ho, ho! (I'm not in a bad mood. Just thought I'd share my thoughts on bad Christmas moves. xD) 

**Jocelyn**

Misfits

I think I sometimes forget how awesome Christmas is. And then it comes around and you just want to physically hug it. 

Anyway.

But you know what just made this Christmas season even better? What made it twenty times better than any other already? 

Misfits is coming back to Hulu. 

Oh, yes, I'm this excited over one T.V show. But this is THE T.V show! If any of you have watched it, you know it is somehow the best show out there! Actually, I have no clue why I like it. 

Maybe it is Nathan's insanity. He's insane, proud and like a five year old in a teenagers body. 

One of my favorite moments. He is so ADD-ish. There are so many good quotes by him! 

And I love how he treats Simon. He's such a jerk to him, but he loves him all the same. I think. xD lol He's a dick, but a loveable dick. Wait. That sounded so strange. Sorry. SCRATCH THAT. 

And they all have awesome accents. Beast. And Simon, you just wanna hug him.

LOOK AT THAT FACE! So expressive. He looks like a innocent, hot, puppy. xD Yeah, don't ask. And yes, everyone thinks he's weird, well, sort of. I mean, as the plot goes on he's not AS strange. 

And I could go on and on about this show, but I can't because of my stupid school break reading. Gawh.  I'd rather be a regular teenage lazy bum at the moment and watch Misfits. xD

I sound so smart. 

**Jocelyn** 

My Love

My simple heart, beating to the strings of a song,

thumping along with the pounding drum,

oh, how I know I belong. 

I found that fragment of a poem recently. I sat there, rubbing my chin, trying to figure out what it was about. Then, aha!, I had it. It was about dancing. 

Oh, gawh, I love dancing. I love it so much. It's like a romantic relationship, full of ups and down, tears and joy. Sometimes I want to give up on it, other times I'm sure it is all I want to do. Sure, I lack the years of practice most dancers do, but I don't lack the love for it. The soul consuming love. Every time I dance I actually think I have a chance. 

There has never been anything else in my life that made me feel that way. Well, maybe being a writer, but it wasn't till recently that I really squinted into the future and thought about it. Writing is always something that I love and can get a natural high from, but it doesn't do the same thing to me as dancing does. It also doesn't give me muscle and keep me fit. 

I know I've rambled on about my love for dance before. But it hasn't been till now that I know, for sure, how much dance means to me. I couldn't imagine living in that stupid town in Footloose! (And you don't want to imagine me going on a full blown rant about all the things that make Footloose one of the shittiest movies ever.) 

Anyway. I might have some of the most painful burns on my feet and be missing big chunks of my skin everywhere because of dancing, but that is an odd pleasure. XD

I get discouraged a lot in my dancing. But I also get encouraged by others, which is all I need. If I keep on working hard, no matter how cheesy it sounds, I will become better. I know I can. (Yeah! Look at that positive thinking! )

I can't choose a style of dance I like best. Ballet is so elegant, but fierce. Like a royal, hot tongue beauty. It brings out something fiery but graceful in dancers. 

Then there is lyrical or contemporary, which is like a loose ballet. Contemporary holds so much emotion. Whatever mood is pulsing through your veins burst out in contemporary. 

 And then there is Jazz. Jazz is like a classy hip hop, in my opinion. It brings back the old days, but keeps it hot and sexy. 

And, finally, hip hop, where it's about your style. How you want to make it, what fits you best. Hip hop is broad because each person has their own way to do things and that is what makes it so cool. It is orderly chaos. 

It's all different and it's all awesome. I don't know which one I would go with. At the moment, I'd say hip hop because you can blend in just about any other type of dance with it. But, hm, I don't know. I just know I love dance. 

What do you love? (And Ovais, it has to be an activity, not a certain person. :p) 

**Jocelyn**

We Wish You...

December 6th. 

Holy cow, it is December 6th. Seriously, did I step into a time machine? I feel like we're still in the year 1995. 

But it is the Christmas Season!! Yes! Who cares if we skipped a couple years and suddenly landed on Christmas. I mean, out of ALL the times to land on, this is the best!

It's time to down gallons of hot cocoa. Well, not down. You sip it, but you sip a ton of it. Or just hot drinks in general. Like at our local coffee shop, which has some of the best holiday drinks ever. 

The other day, while at a Barnes & Nobel, I stopped at Starbucks and devoured a whole peppermint mocha frappe. Aw, I loved it. Mmm, coffee. I also love chocolate covered cherries. I get a box every Christmas. 

Gawh! Do those not look amazing? 

Can you tell that I have a bit of a, urm, sweet tooth? Haha, no, no way. Hell, I can't even say that sarcastically. Sugar and I, we're pretty tight. Chocolate and I, we're tighter than a fat man wearing spandex. Oh, wow. That was a BAD mental image. I'm so, so, sorry. xD

Anyway, I was making this post to say the obvious:

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!!

:D IT'S HERE! YAYYAYAYAYAAY!

Even if you don't celebrate it, you got to admit that it is a pretty cool holiday. So warm. It makes winter better. There is an insane amount of random happiness that no one can explain when Christmas comes. Even if you're a grumpy old man, there is something good and warm about you on Christmas. 

Okay, I'll stop the terrible, sappy, Hallmark rant. 

:]

**Jocelyn** 

Truth Is...Guys

I judge guys on their looks, a lot. 

I understand that loving someone for who they are and also loving their 'body', but I won't even consider a guy if he isn't attractive or smart. 

Not like I have guys crawling over me, but honestly! I should not be stuck on a guys looks. You have to be over 80% good looking. (If that made sense.) I don't know why I do it. I really do have high standards for guys. Here, I'll create a list. 

1) Good looking(duh.)

2)Smart, but not a smart-ass. Because, then, I wanna kick his smart little ass. 

3) Cocky can be good. In the innocent, this is the way I am works. The I think I'm king of the world just because I scored a goal in a soccer game does not work. 

4) Funny. You have to make me laugh, dang it! 

5) Have to do something I like. The following (off the top of my head) are good qualifiers: dance (ballroom, hip hop jazz, ballet mebbe, as long as you do not wear tights.), soccer, football, sketching/painting, photography, dog training, snowboarding, karate, boxing, acting, musician (if he plays the cello, ohmygawh), cooking, potter (oddly enough)  and I'll end with digital artist. 

6) Wonderful, heart-stopping, beautiful smile. That might fall under looks, but to me that deserves it's own category. 

7) Doesn't care when I'm moody. Just knows I'm not usually like that and I try not to be. 

8) He can recognize pretty girls, because I know he is a guy, but he must be willing to fight the urge to 'look'.

9) Gotta have a plan for his life. 

10) MUST think a little like me.

11)Must want to be more than some lazy bum. 

And finaallly, 12) He better like hugs. Cause I love hugs. 

And, yeah. There is my selfish list. xD

Do you guys have selfish list of qualifications about your boy/girl? Of course you do. Don't lie. Don'y you do it. 

xD

**Jocelyn **

Muppets! :D

I'm going to spare you guys the regular old 'I had a great thanksgiving!' story. It was great, blah, blah, blaaahhhh!

Anyway, I'm going to talk about the Muppets, which we saw last night. It had it's moments of, "WTF?" and other moments of full on, whole theater laughter. But there was a line in the movie, that although said in plenty of movies in variety, struck me pretty hard.

'You believe in everybody else, but sometime you're going to have to believe in yourself.'

I was like: "Woah. Dannng." And a bunch of more exclamations. That sounded JUST like me! I have faith in everyone else, but I lack all belief in me.  I'm sure I'm not the only one like this. I know a lot of people struggle with the same thing.

Why do we do it? How can we have absolute faith in the world around us and all that is in it and neglect the same for ourselves?

I got nothing.
If you have any clue to what our problem is, leave a comment telling me (us) what it is!

Back to the holiday topic before I tackle more NaNoWriMo catching up.
I can play Christmas Music now.
We're getting our Christmas tree today.
It's pretty much AMAZING.
Sitting on my butt.
Eating a bunch of food.
No worries at the moment.

I like holidays. :]

**Jocelyn**

Honest

Honesty. I want to be honest on my blog right?

Well,  fine then.
I have another blog, one where I share  my photography and supposedly my 'thoughts'. Some of you already know that blog and it's pretty obvious which one it is. I created it originally to be by vent, but obviously, that didn't happen. It became a place where my friends could monitor me and I felt like I could say nothing.

I could never dream of putting my actual thoughts on that blog. It was so aggravating; half the time I don't even feel like posting on there. I mean, I made that blog for me to spout out my thoughts, not to have my friends dip into my mind.

So, that's why I created this blog. I didn't want to quit the other one, where I'm goody-two shoes, but I needed some way of letting out the junk inside of me.

I hope knowing what my other blog is and 'who I am' doesn't change views of me. I wanna be honest. xD
And, I might follow you on my other blog and might comment on your post as both people. That's usually a mistake, don't think I'm like...skitzo. xD

So, yeah. I just thought I'd let that out. Now I feel free. I don't feel like I'm hiding a bunch of things or have to lie to you guys. Yeah.

So, awesome.
xD

**Jocelyn**

Do I Look Like A Hooker? (Strange Compliments)

I get compliments and I love every single one of them. We all get compliments and love them. You'd have to be INSANE not to like them!

But, for some odd reason I can't place my finger on, I get compliments in the strangest way. I decided I'd share some of my 'strange' compliments with you guys. And before you think I'm going all vain, the topic popped into my mind because I'm trying to be positive and acknowledge that I'm not all that bad.

My List of Strange/Awkward Compliments


1. One day, while dropping my brother off at a friends house (who happened to be fifthly rich and had a house the size of my town.), we went inside to talk with this kids mom, whom we've never met before. When we met, she is really sweet and tells me, "Oh, you're so beautiful!" If my skin wasn't bridging on African American, I would have had the reddest cheeks on the face of the planet. But, no, that's no the awkward part.

We're all together, my brother, my mom, his friends and his friend's mom. Some how we got on the topic of future jobs and the friend's mom asked me what I wanted to be. I was, like, thirteen at the time, so I shrugged and said the classic, "I dunno...yet." Then she goes, "You could be a model!" >turns to the boys< "Couldn't she be a model?"

In my mind, I'm going, "OH, HELL NO, DON'T ASK THEM THAT!!!!"
I mean, honestly, my brothers friends? Really? Don't put them on the spot like that. I can't even remember their reactions I was so mortified. Gawh.

So, that might not be awkward to you, but it sure as hell was for ME.

2. My brother and I (hem, my brother must have a curse on me) were walking into Wal*Mart and passed the elderly black man. As we're about to head in he tells my brother, Anthony, "Hm, that girl is too good for you!" and then says to me, "You're too good for him, that's for sure."

I was mortified, once again. This is my BROTHER, not my BOYFRIEND. (You don't know how many times that happens to us. I mean, you'd think since we look a LOT alike, that they'd catch on. But no.)

We did set the guy straight, thank gosh. But it took about a minute for us to even understand what he meant.

3. They just get stranger and stranger. Anyway, we were loading stuff into the car, Anthony and I (AGAIN! Why is it always with him?!?!?). These two guys were walking by, wanna be gangsters, but they're like, 50 years old so it ain't working. They're talking to each other, and because I'm such a nosy person, I was eavesdropping.

Suddenly, one said to the other, "Damn! Boys are gonna be all over that one like butter popcorn!"

This time I wasn't scared for life. This time I wanted to laugh because, I mean, popcorn? Butter popcorn? That's ALL you can come up with?

It turns out that Anthony must have been eavesdropping to, because gives me this, "What the hell did he just say look?" and says, "Wait...what?" I played oblivious of course. I'm good at playing that, I have to a lot.

4.
I was walking our dog, Gawain, who is an Saint Bernard. Everyone is always so shocked by his size. Meh, I grew up with Great Danes, Irish Wolfhounds and the big Saint B's. But everyone else hasn't.

One guy stops me to look at Gawain and says, "Man, you and your dog are beautiful."

I don't think you flatter a girl when you tell her that she is just as beautiful as her dog.

5. I was in the story, looking for Bean Sprouts. I had just run in and it had been raining so I had to take off my glasses and swipe all the rain off. As I did this, I was walking by this guy restocking shelves. He pauses, turns to look at me and says, "Wow, you look just as good with your glasses on as you do with them off."

Stupid me didn't hear what he said because my mind was else where, so I just nodded and smiled. It wasn't till I saw his kinda, "Okay...." look that I realized what he had said. Blushing, I told him thank-you. xD

6. And the last, but not least!

I was walking home from work one day, because I had no ride. Mind you, I was wearing realllly crappy clothes because I work at the vets. (I basically clean up around there. Blech.) And this series of events happen:

- First, at an intersection, a car full of teenage guys (a.k.a idiots) passed by. As they went by, one leaned out the window and yelled, "FIFTY DOLLA? CAN I GET YA' FOR FIFTY DOLLA'S?!?! FIFTY DOLLA'S" He yelled it in this really bad Indian accent. And even when they were half-way down the road, he was yelling, "HOW MUCH? HOW MUCH?" Laughing the whole time.

The urge to give him a one-fingered jester was so strong. So, damn strong.

Then, as I'm still plotting along, pissed at the idiot who yelled at me, two trucks go by. Not at the same time, but close together and honk at me. And another blows past with ANOTHER guy hanging out the window, whooping and blowing the horn.

My pissed meter went from five to ten. It wasn't like I was wearing anything  immodest and I was in JUNK clothes. The thoughts, 'DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HOOKER TO YOU?" went through my head 194832923 times.

And to put the big, fat cherry on top of the crap icing and crap cake, I was waiting to cross the road when these guys in their yard, hanging out in the bed of their truck, stand up and start yelling at me. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but their gestures told me everything I needed to know.

I walked fast as hell.

Needless to say, I now know my town is filled with a bunch of freaky perverted teenage guys. Lord, help me.


Okay, so that that's the end of the list. xD
I'm not trying to sound vain, I swear! They're just good laughs!!

:D

**Jocelyn**

What If? (Kissing Gone Wrong)

My friends and I, E and H, were talking about kissing. I'm not too sure how we got on the subject, but our fears of all the wrongs that would happen suddenly came out. To make it easier, I'm going to show you some of the FB chat.

Me: I've always wondered if my first kiss will be awkward. Knowing how awkward I am, it will be. lol

E: Oh man, I've already determined that my first kiss will be awkward too. Waaay awkward. For the same reason you think yours will be: I am an awkward person. I'm going to end up missing or something.

Or, he will be too tall and I will be too short.

Or, I will hiccup or belch or something of the sort.

Me: I'll be afraid I'll, like, fall over. Or what if their lips are...like funny tasting? I know that sounds gross, but, I mean, you gotta think of these things! xD

Em: Aaahhh, all these perfectly awkward first kisses which will probably come true.

I know!! I mean, what if he had been eating onions?? Or like a sloppy Joe??

Me: Or what if they like, cough/burp/sneeze on you? What do you do?

Em: I know!! So, what if we aren't the awkward ones, but what if they are? How do you react in these sort of situations? And what if your noses get in the way? Which way is it supposed to go? Left or right??

Me: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING? What if you can't breath because your noses aren't working out and you don't wanna be mean and jump away, gasping for air? Gosh, I think I'll never kiss. 0_0 xD

H:I know me and my first kiss the guy would have terrible breath. And I would freak out. And he would get mad. And... ewww...

Em: Or if he doesn't close his eyes and is just creepily staring at you the whole time?

H: Or what if my asthma kicked in?? And I died kissing him..?? AGHHHHH

Em: That would be bad if you died in the middle of your first kiss. O.O

Me: AWWW, gawh, ew. xD

I bet he would feel bad.

How would you explain THAT to the cops?

"Yeah, we were...uh, kissing...and she just...died."

"I swear I didn't do it."

H: Or my headstone..... "She died kissing her boyfriend.... no he's NOT that good of a kisser."

We're so messed up. What the hell is wrong with us? xD

So, if you HAVE kissed someone, please send our fears somewhere far away.

If you haven't been kissed, what are YOUR fears?

*Jocelyn*

A Thrill

I was riding in the car with my mom today, heading back from Wal*Mart, cold and tired. In other words, it was so typical. I felt so annoyed for some reason and I couldn't place my big, fat finger on it. It was when we were rounded the bend, going towards the library, that it hit me straight on.

I'm bored.

It sounds Juvenal, unappreciative and every other bad thing out there, but...its true. I want adventure. I'm a thrill seeker stuck in a town the size of a thumbnail, I have a life full of emotional roller coaster that aren't even attached to anything exciting.

Ever since I was little, I've been stuck in this dreamy state of magic, adventure, and exploration. I guess it finally sunk in that, that isn't what life is. I won't run into the same heart-skipping, blood-pulsing experiences story book characters do. I've always dreamed, dreamed and dreamed of the moments my story would unwind, but it hasn't.

It won't.

That's so depressing. I hate actually taking my head out of the fairy land clouds for a second to see the dull, dreary world around me. Okay, I take that back. Its not dull, it's not boring--it's me. I just can't accept the creation God made because I've been la-laing through life.

ANYWHO.

I want to shout out to Areesha (Me, Myself and I), who even if I don't ever reply and take forever to follow her blog and still comments on my blog, for reaching 50 followers. She's so kind, she's brilliant and I love what she has to say.

I'd also like to shout out to Ovais (18 Downing Street), who is super duper awesome and nice to me too. :D And, well, you have some important things to say too. And you make me  laugh.

Thanks you guys for being awesome! :D :D :D :D

**Jocelyn**

NaNoWriMo: A Dream

My NaNoWriMo story is called Paradise. It's one of my favorite story ideas so far. I won't dive into what it's about, but it's going to have a crazy plot that I have to work out. Once NaNoWriMo is over, I'll tackle the task of actual plot organization.

In the mean time, I'll write like HELL. I'm so behind.
Anyway, I'm sharing this clip with you. Right now, it's one of my favorites. Not because it has amazing writing or anything, but it forced me to look at the little things I love. I love looking at little things, like leaves, wind, a blade of grass.I also felt the emotion that Emmy feels, which is strange.

So, here you go! (Btw, my grammar is so screwed up and I haven't read of this lately. So, yeah.)

NaNoWriMo Excerpt: Second Dream

She knew she was in a dream, but it felt so real. Everything she touched didn’t feel like it came from a deep space inside her brain, it felt like her fingers were actually caressing the cool strands of grass blanketing the hills. The sun that had fought its way through the mountainous grey clouds touched her skin with such warmth, that she could only believe it was real. 

Emmy couldn’t give into the dreams life-like illusions; she was afraid if she did, she’d never wake up. It tip toed across the line of exciting and dangerous. The dream, electrifyingly real, could easily trap her in its grasp and never let her go, pushing her deeper and deeper into it.

Or at least she thought it could.

Maybe this dream was innocent, just a rare and unusual dream to sweeten her night. If it was, who was to blame her for slipping happily into it, enjoying every moment? What if this one a once in a life time opportunity to experience a vivid dream? She didn’t want to miss something like this.

The debate raged on inside of her. Should she stay in the dream and be pulled in effortlessly, or should she flee and leave dangerous dreams to brew somewhere else?

Emmy slid backwards till her shoulders touched the grass. The grass tickled the back of her neck as she relaxed, enjoying the tingle crossing her skin from the sun.

This was a sun, right? Emmy had never experience one before.  She had seen pictures, read sections in their study books, but never felt the warm sensation of it touching her bare skin.

This dream, she thought, is paradise. How could I ever let it go?

The wind whispered through the grass and trees, catching her hair and dancing with it for a brief moment before disappearing. A smile twitched at Emmy’s lips. She was slipping into the dream already. A decision had to be made; stay or go.  Resist or bask in the wonder.

Another gust of wind ran over the fields and hills and slowed to a stop when it reached her. It felt so amazing. It was something else Emmy’s skin had never enjoyed, wind. Being confined to the House only meant reading about these extraordinary pleasures in text books and imagining the day your own skin will prickle at the caress of a breeze.

When more wind caused her heart to swell and mouth to become a full smile, she knew the choice was clear. She had to stay.

Emmy’s fingers dug deep down into the soil, feeling the dirt jam under her fingernails. They wiggled in the soil, like she was hugging the ground. Pulling them out of the ground, she held them over her face, examine the healthy, rich soil that covered her fingers.

What had she been missing all this time? What provoked her to go into the House? She paused, gazing up at the sapphire sky. The dark clouds had vanished, banished by the blazing sun.

Emmy’s mind dodged through memories. What was it like outside the House? Had she spent so much time in there she had forgotten? It couldn’t be. That was impossible. What had her family been like? She couldn’t even remember that.

If it hadn’t been for the burning sun, bright, blue sky and the grass beneath her, a sorrow would have fallen over her heart.  She could not remember life outside the House. In fact, she couldn’t remember any second before she entered the building, leaving her whole life behind for a simple adventure.

Was this what she left behind? Impossible.

Emmy couldn’t imagine any soul leaving behind such beauty just to be confined in a white box, never to see the outside world again.  No, what person could be so naïve, so blinded, that they walked into the white halls of confinement.

Emmy breathed in deeply, taking in the powerful scents of the world around her. She could smell the soil tucked under her fingernails, the grass swaying in the playful wind. Even the very wind seemed to hold a unique smell here.

Emmy blinked. Where was here?

>To Be Continued <  

I'll give you the rest of this section later. :]

Enjoyyyyy!!!!

**Joeclyn**

Way Too Long

It's been a while. A very, very long time.
I'm so, so, so sorry. :(

I've been caught up in non-stop schoolwork and dancing. It's insane. This past weekend, the only times I have been home is a night to sleep. I feel like I've haven't sat on this couch and blogged in a nice long time. Actually, it feels like it's been years. Yes, years.

I don't have much time to pour out some insane rambling (DAMN SCHOOLWORK!!!), but I do have time to tell you guys that, even though you thought I was gone, I will never, ever stop blogging. I felt very discouraged over this weekend about my blog and NaNoWriMo. (Yeah, I'm doing it. I'm about 10,000 words behind because I've been so busy.)

Hopefully, since the holidays are coming, I'll get to kick back and enjoy the deep pleasures of writing on my blog and my NaNoWriMo story. :]

Tell me how all of you guys are doing in lengthy comments that I love to read. I know, I know. I never comment on anyone's blog, but I swear to you guys, I read them! I'm just not much a commenter. I guess I should be. xD

Anyway, I got to get back to Art History! (Yay. Curse you finals.) Pray that I don't go haywire and pull out all my hair! Thanks!

**Jocelyn**

iPod Note

I wrote this note on my iPod a while back. I was on a short trip to VA with my family. I was hanging out with my brother, his girlfriend and a couple of their friends. Or, I should say: tagging along because I have no life.

Anyway, we were at this river. I scrambled up onto this half-living bridge and wrote this note. I found it recently and decided to share it. I'm keeping all the typos because it's a memory, not a school paper. So, yeah.  Hope you enjoy. :]
(BTW, do you know how hard it is to write something this long on an iPod touch. Well, it's pretty dang hard.)

Sep. 4, 2011
It was strange; a place so beautiful only stirred her imagination the smallest bit. Even when she breathed in deep and stared at the light bouncing across the water, her heart didn't swell with excitement. It only gave a pathetic jump and went back to it's original beating.

The planes roaring just above her head reminded her of the place that never failed to take her breath away. She longed, with all of her unstirred heart, that she was in one of those planes, staring out it's window, amazed by something as simple as height, lights dancing below and the feeling that she was one step closer to God.

That's how she wanted to feel, like she was closer to God. Like she could reach out and touch his beautiful face. Gods face. Its even better than staring out the window of a plane.

The idea amazed her. She couldn't think of anything more beautiful than stepping into the sky, wether by mountain or plane, climbing a wall or even sitting and looking out over a river, higher than someone.

She looked around all the couples, trying to figure out how she fit into the jigsaw puzzle. It felt like every space was filled and she was the piece that didn't belong to this puzzle.

"Then which freaking puzzle box did l come from and where the hell is it?" was the first thing that crossed her mind. She was sick of it, she had come to that conclusion Long time ago.

Being alone had gotten boring. She was sick of talking to animals and only getting a whine for more food as a reply. She was sick of using the Internet to talk to people, it was so impersonal, you could never figure out what people really meant.

It was depressing, being alone. It felt like no one else knew how it felt and never would. And worse of all, it felt like it would always be that way. She would always feel completely alone, no one near her, even in a building with hundreds.

She looked over the water again, hoping for that feeling of imagination that would run through her bones and make her excited. That feeling that made her feel happy, even though she rarely was. That amazing feeling that made her feel like she wasn't as alone as she felt, that she had hundreds of people waiting to love her.

Her eyes roamed the water below, waiting for that feeling. Suddenly she felt it, not the feeling, but something else that put her aching mind to rest.

She saw her sorrow in the river. It reflected it perfectly, but somehow, hidden behind it was a smile and laugh. She
sighed, feeling slightly content.

The water was beautiful and so was she.She smiled, then laughed. She had the overwhelming urge to run , jump and be immersed in the dark water and experience it, what the water felt.

She looked at the water, longing to talk to it and tell it how she felt, but she couldn't. What would everyone else think If she started babbling on to no one.

It didn't matter though. It was okay now. She sighed and laughed. She wasn't alone anymore, she had a friend. She had a lovely friend, dancing right below her, waiting for her to talk, because it would listen. It would listen to her every word.

Now she feels better.

**Jocelyn**

Easier Said Than Done

The past is a dreadful place.
In the past, we only store the memories of depiction, betrayal, pain, and all the other negatives. In the past, that's where all the wrongs are.

The future, now that can be hopeful. That can be hopeful until we start comparing it to the past. The past, the dreadful past. The past, which harbors our most sorrowful moments. It's frustrating, but true. The better moments in our life are shadowed by the terrible ones.

That's why I only remember the pain my friends bought me, not the joy.
That's why I only remember the death of my beloved friend, not the good times we had together.
That's why I only remember the depression, not the happiness.

That's why the future looks so bleak.

But I'm not going to let that define my life. I'm not going to let the past become the future. Sure, life is going to suck. I'm going to have some of the hardiest times of my life, especially as I am heading towards those scary first few years of adult-hood. But who cares? I'm going to make it through. Millions and billions of people have made it through in the same state I'm in. Why can't I?

But in order to do that, I have to forgive and forget the past. You heard me right: FORGIVE and forget.
There are moments in my past, moments that make my heart sputter to a stop, that haunt me everyday. That have cut deep into my soul, making sure the gash is almost in able to heal. There have been people, Stephanie, Ellie, who probably never meant to, but hurt me like never before. There has been family, my Grandparents, who have rejected me, made me feel like I was never enough, or not sane.

There has been me, who has harmed me over and over again.

There is no way in hell that I'm going to let these things of the past tear me down. It's time for me to shed them, put them in the closet. They might tumbled down from the top shelf at times and stir those angry and depressed feelings, but one day I'll be able to clean up the mess with out feel a shed of ether.

So, forgive. Forget. Don't let these things bother you anymore.


Ha. I wish. Easier said than done, right?

**Jocelyn**

The Fire Fairies

If we wanted to be technical, we could say it was born on the day my mother and I sat at the kitchen table and composed a poem. But it wasn't really born then, it was thrust into existence with out us knowing of it's presence. Almost like a child, conceived, it's presences unknown.

No, it was undoubtedly born, born from the wombs of our minds, that night, my 11th birthday. An 11th birthday isn't special in any means. You've already been double digits for a year, you're not a teenager. You're awkwardly thrust in between.  But now, as I look back, I feel like that birthday was the most magical birthday one could have.

We did the same old, same old. Hang out, giggle, do something crafty, scarf down as many hamburgers and hot dogs we could mange, stuff down some more food (A.K.A cake and ice cream), then it happened.

Since my birthday is July 4th, sparklers were in season and we had several packs, just for us to swing around and have fun with. As soon as the sparklers were lit, it was like those tiny balls of explosive light, flickering, blinking, reminded us of the light inside us. That light we cherish with all our hearts. That light we know what a gift from god. That small, illuminating light that bounced around inside of us called Imagination.

It had always pulsed through our veins, almost more than our own blood did. It was a part of us that we absolutely feared losing. A life with out imagination is a life without air; there's no point to it. You're doomed with out it.

Those crackling lights connected with the one inside of us and quickly formed the best idea our young hearts could ever come up with:

Fire Fairies.

We were Fire Fairies. Our minds joined together, ideas running wild. The make-believe game swiftly came into play and, like professional actors and writers, we made the story began to unfold. It began with the sparklers, then it went to the candle that we lit the sparklers with. My fake food toys were even involved as our  lights grew brighter, bigger, hotter.

Who knew what this idea would do? Who knew that those names we gave each other that night, Star Dancer (which was later changed to FireFly), Ember, Flare, Sparkle, Flicker, and Comet, wouldn't be play names, they would be our names? Who knew that a whole story would be written by the joint efforts of our crazy, untamed minds? Who knew, that five years later, we'd spend on Friday night, remembering all the things that the Fire Fairies story did to/for us?

Our lives, I feel, will never be the same due to that one night. That one spark of an idea.
Maybe it did begin when my mother and I pieced together a poem  about Fire Fairies. Or, maybe, it began when that flickering light, bouncing around in our souls, met with something, something that none of us knew about, and grew from a small, ball of heat to the sun that warms every thought and idea that crosses our mind.

I will never forget the girls that have helped me shape me life. God, love them tenderly. Take their suns and let them shine, brightly and boldly, on the world around them and don't ever let them fade away.

**Flare**

Love and Bones

Stepping out of my comfort zone here. 

I'm going to share some writing with you. I'm going to show you one of my poems I dug up. Please, enjoy. :] (Oh, and some NaNoWriMo writing will show up eventually. *HINT,HINT*)

Love and Bones

Hopelessly left. The world is done,

I'm a sloth at best. 

I make marks upon a stone of remembrance, 

of what? 

Restless nights, sweet coffee and the battle for sanity?

Will it be of my tread, 

one of logic and thought? 

Or will the etching cast shadow,

on my oddly shaped name? 

When I write these words, 

I hope with bloody hand,

from toil and pain that result in strength. 

Or shall I write in scrawl, 

that has no meaning, no value?

Is that meandering path I choose,

one long and troublesome,

full of destruction? 

Or, maybe, my feet will drag across,

the grounds of a path,

worth all things I have lost. 

Will they walk down a path,

of wonderful light,

full of triumph instead of blight?

Oh, these words I carve,

oh the words that rest on this stone,

will they they be love, 

or simply bone? 

That probably made no sense to you. But it doesn't matter, because it made sense to me. Oooh, and it would be awesome if you left your interpretation of the poem in the comments. :D

:D

**Jocelyn**

:D (That's A Happy Face!)

Mmmm. 

You feel the vibes of a good day when you find out that you actually don't have to work, get some of the best coffee ever with your brother who is finally home, and already have your schedule filled out and ready to go. Now all I need to do is motivate myself to actually fulfill what's on my schedule. 

Luckily, I put dance down for a hour instead of half of hour. Thank God. I've been in love with it lately, like I was before. This past year it turned from the love of my life, to the biggest pain in my ass. But now, it's back to being one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I love you, God. 

I guess it's helped that some of the girls at dance know what is going on with me right now. I missed dance two weeks ago and when my mom went to go pay my dance teacher, she ended up telling her about my 'problems'. I wasn't to0 excited about it, but it wasn't really awkward when I finally came back. In fact, everything seems a tiny bit better. 

I got a FB e-mail from one of the best dancers there, who is actually younger than me, and has a fiery spirit. I never expected her to send me an e-mail talking about how she knows how I feel and is there for me. It felt pretty good actually.

For once in my life, I'm starting to believe that I might , maybe one day, be able to trust people. I mean, I trust  you guys because 1) you're over the internet. The likely hood of me meeting you is pretty low. 2) A lot of you guys know how I feel and share the same feelings on your blogs. I'm super thankful you guys are here. But it is hard when my ability of trusting people I know in person is a little low. 

Don't get me wrong, you guys are effing amazing. Seriously. That you guys read and comment on my blog boggles my mind. If I could hug all of you, I would. And you got to understand; I'm NOT a touchy person. At all. 

So, yeah. I love feeling this support. This love. It's like God did hear my cry and, with a little smirk on his face, took all my burdens and turned them around. It's like he let me get this down so I'd understand how high he can lift me up. I can't always understand him and I know I screw up all the time, but he's there. People try and tell he's not, but after everything I've gone through in life, every heavy step I've taken and every fall that has cut my hands, it seems almost impossible that it wasn't Him who picked me up, lifted the terrible load on my back, and pushed me forward. God is more than a god to me, he's like the love of my life. 

Okay, so I'll stop this sap-fest and get to work. 

I love you guys!!!!!

**Jocelyn** 

YouTube and Omegle are Bi-Polar?

Life has been going evenly lately.
I haven't had any down moments on my roller coaster, which is amazing. This makes me really, really happy! :D
But, on the bad news side, my counselor suggested I might be bi-polar.

Most people think of a psychopath with spilt personalities when they hear bi-polar...but that's schizophrenia, bright ones. Just clearing that up. xD

Bi-polar has to do with extreme emotional mood swings. While most people have mood swings, people who are bi-polar have some major, almost uncontrollable mood swings. So, basically it's like their on a roller coaster ride. Up moments, they feel great, happy, like nothing could ever bring them down. Low moments, depressed, like there is no point in life, blah, blah, blah...

Wow. Sounds freakishly like me.

Ohmygawh, I don't want to be bi-polar. 0_0

xD

ANYWAY.

I've been addicted to Omegle lately. Okay, it's an on and off thing. I use it for a week. Not use it for a month. Use it for a week. On and on. Why do I like that stupid website? You talk to soooo many crazy perverts, but you occasionally find that crazy, awesome gem of a person.

I advise you stay away though. It's like a drug. xD So is YouTube. I spend hours before bed on YouTube. I love it.

Right about now I'd tell you I have a life, but I'm not going to lie: I don't.

xD

**Jocelyn**