The Fire Fairies

If we wanted to be technical, we could say it was born on the day my mother and I sat at the kitchen table and composed a poem. But it wasn't really born then, it was thrust into existence with out us knowing of it's presence. Almost like a child, conceived, it's presences unknown.

No, it was undoubtedly born, born from the wombs of our minds, that night, my 11th birthday. An 11th birthday isn't special in any means. You've already been double digits for a year, you're not a teenager. You're awkwardly thrust in between.  But now, as I look back, I feel like that birthday was the most magical birthday one could have.

We did the same old, same old. Hang out, giggle, do something crafty, scarf down as many hamburgers and hot dogs we could mange, stuff down some more food (A.K.A cake and ice cream), then it happened.

Since my birthday is July 4th, sparklers were in season and we had several packs, just for us to swing around and have fun with. As soon as the sparklers were lit, it was like those tiny balls of explosive light, flickering, blinking, reminded us of the light inside us. That light we cherish with all our hearts. That light we know what a gift from god. That small, illuminating light that bounced around inside of us called Imagination.

It had always pulsed through our veins, almost more than our own blood did. It was a part of us that we absolutely feared losing. A life with out imagination is a life without air; there's no point to it. You're doomed with out it.

Those crackling lights connected with the one inside of us and quickly formed the best idea our young hearts could ever come up with:

Fire Fairies.

We were Fire Fairies. Our minds joined together, ideas running wild. The make-believe game swiftly came into play and, like professional actors and writers, we made the story began to unfold. It began with the sparklers, then it went to the candle that we lit the sparklers with. My fake food toys were even involved as our  lights grew brighter, bigger, hotter.

Who knew what this idea would do? Who knew that those names we gave each other that night, Star Dancer (which was later changed to FireFly), Ember, Flare, Sparkle, Flicker, and Comet, wouldn't be play names, they would be our names? Who knew that a whole story would be written by the joint efforts of our crazy, untamed minds? Who knew, that five years later, we'd spend on Friday night, remembering all the things that the Fire Fairies story did to/for us?

Our lives, I feel, will never be the same due to that one night. That one spark of an idea.
Maybe it did begin when my mother and I pieced together a poem  about Fire Fairies. Or, maybe, it began when that flickering light, bouncing around in our souls, met with something, something that none of us knew about, and grew from a small, ball of heat to the sun that warms every thought and idea that crosses our mind.

I will never forget the girls that have helped me shape me life. God, love them tenderly. Take their suns and let them shine, brightly and boldly, on the world around them and don't ever let them fade away.

**Flare**

Love and Bones

Stepping out of my comfort zone here. 

I'm going to share some writing with you. I'm going to show you one of my poems I dug up. Please, enjoy. :] (Oh, and some NaNoWriMo writing will show up eventually. *HINT,HINT*)

Love and Bones

Hopelessly left. The world is done,

I'm a sloth at best. 

I make marks upon a stone of remembrance, 

of what? 

Restless nights, sweet coffee and the battle for sanity?

Will it be of my tread, 

one of logic and thought? 

Or will the etching cast shadow,

on my oddly shaped name? 

When I write these words, 

I hope with bloody hand,

from toil and pain that result in strength. 

Or shall I write in scrawl, 

that has no meaning, no value?

Is that meandering path I choose,

one long and troublesome,

full of destruction? 

Or, maybe, my feet will drag across,

the grounds of a path,

worth all things I have lost. 

Will they walk down a path,

of wonderful light,

full of triumph instead of blight?

Oh, these words I carve,

oh the words that rest on this stone,

will they they be love, 

or simply bone? 

That probably made no sense to you. But it doesn't matter, because it made sense to me. Oooh, and it would be awesome if you left your interpretation of the poem in the comments. :D

:D

**Jocelyn**

:D (That's A Happy Face!)

Mmmm. 

You feel the vibes of a good day when you find out that you actually don't have to work, get some of the best coffee ever with your brother who is finally home, and already have your schedule filled out and ready to go. Now all I need to do is motivate myself to actually fulfill what's on my schedule. 

Luckily, I put dance down for a hour instead of half of hour. Thank God. I've been in love with it lately, like I was before. This past year it turned from the love of my life, to the biggest pain in my ass. But now, it's back to being one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I love you, God. 

I guess it's helped that some of the girls at dance know what is going on with me right now. I missed dance two weeks ago and when my mom went to go pay my dance teacher, she ended up telling her about my 'problems'. I wasn't to0 excited about it, but it wasn't really awkward when I finally came back. In fact, everything seems a tiny bit better. 

I got a FB e-mail from one of the best dancers there, who is actually younger than me, and has a fiery spirit. I never expected her to send me an e-mail talking about how she knows how I feel and is there for me. It felt pretty good actually.

For once in my life, I'm starting to believe that I might , maybe one day, be able to trust people. I mean, I trust  you guys because 1) you're over the internet. The likely hood of me meeting you is pretty low. 2) A lot of you guys know how I feel and share the same feelings on your blogs. I'm super thankful you guys are here. But it is hard when my ability of trusting people I know in person is a little low. 

Don't get me wrong, you guys are effing amazing. Seriously. That you guys read and comment on my blog boggles my mind. If I could hug all of you, I would. And you got to understand; I'm NOT a touchy person. At all. 

So, yeah. I love feeling this support. This love. It's like God did hear my cry and, with a little smirk on his face, took all my burdens and turned them around. It's like he let me get this down so I'd understand how high he can lift me up. I can't always understand him and I know I screw up all the time, but he's there. People try and tell he's not, but after everything I've gone through in life, every heavy step I've taken and every fall that has cut my hands, it seems almost impossible that it wasn't Him who picked me up, lifted the terrible load on my back, and pushed me forward. God is more than a god to me, he's like the love of my life. 

Okay, so I'll stop this sap-fest and get to work. 

I love you guys!!!!!

**Jocelyn** 

YouTube and Omegle are Bi-Polar?

Life has been going evenly lately.
I haven't had any down moments on my roller coaster, which is amazing. This makes me really, really happy! :D
But, on the bad news side, my counselor suggested I might be bi-polar.

Most people think of a psychopath with spilt personalities when they hear bi-polar...but that's schizophrenia, bright ones. Just clearing that up. xD

Bi-polar has to do with extreme emotional mood swings. While most people have mood swings, people who are bi-polar have some major, almost uncontrollable mood swings. So, basically it's like their on a roller coaster ride. Up moments, they feel great, happy, like nothing could ever bring them down. Low moments, depressed, like there is no point in life, blah, blah, blah...

Wow. Sounds freakishly like me.

Ohmygawh, I don't want to be bi-polar. 0_0

xD

ANYWAY.

I've been addicted to Omegle lately. Okay, it's an on and off thing. I use it for a week. Not use it for a month. Use it for a week. On and on. Why do I like that stupid website? You talk to soooo many crazy perverts, but you occasionally find that crazy, awesome gem of a person.

I advise you stay away though. It's like a drug. xD So is YouTube. I spend hours before bed on YouTube. I love it.

Right about now I'd tell you I have a life, but I'm not going to lie: I don't.

xD

**Jocelyn**

Thought I'd Share...

I'm currently in love with this song:

Hey Mama by Mat Kerany (or something like that).

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. :D

**Jocelyn**

Linkin Park

It's like Linkin Park peers into your soul and knows exactly what you're thinking. 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

Every time I feel like shit I go to their music and wrap myself in it, feeling like they are singing to me. It almost feels like they're talking to me, telling me they know how it feels, that they want to help. 

When I'm angry, fed up with it all I hear them saying, 

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream.

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean.

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright.

So I'm breaking the habit,

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight

It all is so painful. I feel it tearing apart my soul, bit by bit. 

Crawling in my skin

These wounds they will not heal

Fear is how I fall

Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface

Consuming/confusing

This lack of self-control I fear is never ending

Controlling/I can't seem

To find myself again

My walls are closing in

(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)

I've felt this way before

So insecure

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me

Distracting/reacting

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection

It's haunting how I can't seem...

I hear their lyrics and burst out into more hot tears. 'They know! They know!',I think. I feel a little bit of relief, but then it's gone when I hear lyrics that remind me of the past, of the painful past:

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

I cry and cry. Mad, angry, frustrated, depressed. I slip away, wanting to give up. I want to fly away, go some place better and be missed. 

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

One day, it changes. I see redemption, I see hope. I see the past but don't think about it. It's gone. I can't change it. I'll just accept it. I'm ready to move one. Face the facts. Take on the world. I'm forgiving what I've done. 

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies


So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done


I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

And then it is done. I'm stronger. I'm ready. I'll never give up. 

Thank you, Linkin Park, for being there. 

I'm so much better and I think you helped me get through a lot of it. 

**Jocelyn**

I (insert)....

Like Feeling

Accomplished 

Like I'm Badass.

Like Nothing Can Bring Me Down

Stronger Than Those Around Me

Sly

Loved

Independent 

Important

#1

Like Doing

Dancing 

Finding Awesome Songs to Dance To

Writing

Working Out

Seeing My Progress

Eating Sugar Filled Crap

Eating Healthy (...yeah.)

Sketching

Leading A Group

Taking the Leader Position from Someone Else 

Running. Hard. 

Dreaming of being in an action movie. 

Like Getting

Complements, of course. 

Surprises 

Good Grades

Respect

Noticed

More Music

Highest Score/Grade/Etc. 

More Time 

Like Having 

God with me. Always. 

Brothers (I have a step-sister who I don't like.) 

The Attic Room

My moms old bed

My own laptop

My iPod

My mother. Duh. 

My camera. 

A parent who is willing to homeschool

Hardships

Friends (although sometimes I don't feel like it)

Food. Another Duh. 

finally....

Really Want

Chocolate (Like, right now)

iTunes Radio to stop bitching and actually play the damn music! (I'm in a great mood, I swear!)

A Boyfriend (cringe, yeah. I admit it.) 

My school work to do itself. 

To have great PSAT scores. 

To get  a full ride to college. 

More music. 

To play Sims 3. 

To dance because this song is AH-MAZE-ING. I <3 you iTunes Radio. 

To stop boring you and go plays Sims 3 with my brother. :]

Figured I'd keep you up with my...well, everything. ;P

And I'm really liking this 'honesty' thing. I mean, I made this blog to speak my mind. I didn't know it felt so good. 

Byeeeeee!

**Jocelyn**

Wonderful Day

What would usually be considered a horrible, no-good-for-nothing day (such a good book...), turned out to be a absolutely wonderful day.

Woah, woah, wait. Jocelyn isn't being a negative, grumpy bitch?
Yes, eat it up my friends. Eat it up. ;]

Anyway, back to the topic of my bright and sunshiny day. (Well, actually it's been raining all day...) I had school today. I attended a co-op every week, where I have a class. Basically, it's like a crazy mix of homeschooling and private school. It's an aggressive curriculum that beats me up, but I still tackle it and get through. (Oooooh, damn! Look at that. I'm being POS-o-TIVE!)

But I love my class. I freaking love my class.
I have several class mates that make me feel like a belong. I never feel like a belong, but with them...I do.
I have classmates that have to spend most of their days alone, doing school work. But that's going to change because our parents decided we can do our school work together.
I have classmates that are being dropped kicked by their school work too.
Halle-freakin-lujah.

It's so amazing. I laughed, smiled, giggled, blushed and had a butt load of awesome fun at school because of these people. They are making my world such a better place. Yesterday, I was suicidal, feeling like there was no point in life. Today, I'm up in the sky. I bet drugs can't do this. :]

Oh, and (risking sounding like such a stupid girl)...how the hell do you word this without sounding like a totally high-school drama queen? Oh, wait, YOU CAN'T. XD

Lol.

Anyway, I like a guy. He acts like he likes me back. Blah, blah, all the stupid crap. (It's so awkward for to write just that. THAT. [oh, and, uuuuuhhh, I'm writing everything as soon as it comes to my head. So, that's my explanation.])

I also got Subway today. It was wonderful.

I walked all over the shopping center where the school co-op is held. I walked with him. I walked with one of the awesomest girls, ever.

I realized I might no be brilliant, but I'm sure as hell not dumb.
Dancing has become fun again.

I can honestly say I love life. That's amazing. :D

**Jocelyn**

A Perfect Imperfection

Beating yourself up can be hard not to do.
I beat myself up at least once a day. It's gotten to the point that I basically verbally/mentally abuse myself. There has been days I hate myself. It becomes a vicious circle actually. I'm angry at myself, then I get angry at myself for being angry at myself and it goes on and on and on.

But I have hope.

I've beaten myself up over my dancing for the past three years, but here I am. Two years into dance and I've already been moved up. I've been complemented by my dance teacher and other dancers billions of times. I know I don't have any crazy moves, but I do have what it takes to do those things. Even though I tell myself I can't dance, I won't ever dance, that I'm the worst dancer on the face of the planet...I don't believe it. If I believed it, I would have quit dancing years ago. I would have given up and not tried to become better.

Ever since I was eight, I've torn my writing apart. I told myself it was pathetic, no one would read it, so on and so forth. But the few people I shared my writing with; they loved it. They told me I was an amazing writer. But I still beat myself up over all of it. I can never finish a story because I'm lost in all my errors, not my perfections. That's changing. I'm liking my stories for the good parts, not the bad. I know I can change the bad into good.

So, what I'm trying to say is this:
Don't beat yourself up over every little thing.

I don't only lash out at myself over things like dance. No, I get mad at myself when I turn in a project late, or forget to do something my mom told me to do. I even beat myself up when something happens to a friend of family member that I had nothing to do with.

I blame myself all the time.
My warning to you, even if you're older and wiser, is to not blame yourself. Don't get angry with yourself.. Your imperfections and mistake only make you better, stronger and more beautiful. Nothing can change what an amazing person you are. I am.

I don't doubt for a second that I will beat myself over the head for something today, but I also don't doubt I'll be able to ignore it and tell all those stupid thoughts to f**k off. And I know you will to.

Okay. I'm ending this sappy little wanna-be-inspirational post now. (Haha! See, I'm even doing it now! And I just told it to go away. I'm doing good!)


**Jocelyn**

Bleep.

I. Hate. The. Bleeping. Cold.

Okay, okay. I'll be a little more optimistic about it.

I hate the cold, but I do like Thanksgiving and Christmas!
...hey, I gave it my best...not really. xD

Anyway, it's been cold here lately. >.> I miss the warm, warm weather. I've been denying the fact that it's cold and I'm still bent on wearing my flip flops everywhere. I usually wear them well into the winter. I'd rather my toes fall of then shove them into stuffy sweaty tennis shoes.

There are some pluses to winter.
When winter comes it means it has to end.
I love the first days of spring, when the grass returns to it's happy and healthy color Trees brighten up with leaves and flowers, sometimes fruit. Taking the dogs out is no longer a dreaded task. Taking a warm shower is enjoyable.

There are so many negatives to winter, it's hard to find the positives.
Look, I'll try.

Positives to Winter 


1. The warm, cuddly feeling you get around the holidays.
2. Sometimes snow, as long there is a enough to not turn everything to sludge. (But it's obviously super cold. Blah.)
3. You get to drink a ton of hot drinks with out over heating. (But then  you loose---STOP IT, JOCELYN.**)
4. The dogs are super cute when they play in the snow.
5. I seriously can't think of anything else.

So, there are some ups to winter. I think.

But the worst part of winter is the fact that I get even more depressed during winter. Do you know how hard it is to do school work in winter? I'm depressed, cold and just plain out miserable, which makes my school work go down hill and keeps the cycle going.

Gawh, it's only fall and I'm already complaining about winter.  This is going to be a long winter, obviously.

Dear Spring and Summer,

It's Fall and I already miss you. I miss your warmth. How the sun dodges behind big clouds somedays and gives us beautiful, steady rain, or how it will jump out, lighting up the world and making me feel perfectly happy. 

I love the inspiration you give me. You tickle my creativity and make my imagination go wild. I feel like running, jumping, singing, and dancing whenever you return to me from your long journey. Winter isn't very nice to me. He's brutal, actually. He pokes me with icy cold needles. He buries me in my house, forbidding me from exiting. He even steals the sun and tucks it away somewhere. Somewhere far, far away. 

Next time you guys come along, could you possibly stay a little longer? Could you light up the sky just a little longer? Could you fill the air with the most beautiful scents and paint the world in your vibrant colors a tad bit longer? I want to feel your tingling warmth, your electrifying feel. I want to dig my toes deep into the earth, hugging it closer to me. There are so many things I want to do, but Winter won't permit me.

Spring, Summer...I miss you. Would you please come home? It's hard to live with out you. It's hard to even move around with out you. 

 I'm serious! Could you just come home? We all miss you. 

Love, 

Jocelyn 

 

  

**Tee hee. I didn't finish my sentence. ;]