Cussing.

I cuss.
Everyone does it as some point; sometimes on accident and sometimes on purpose.
I don't like to cuss, but I do. I've grown up in a home that disapproves of cussing (which is funny, because my mother curses a lot.), but I still cuss.

It has it's problems, cussing. But it also has it's benefits.
I read somewhere once (a very detailed story, I know) that cussing actually helps release anger and anxiety. But it also makes me feel guilty after I've let out a string of profane words.

It's strange how it starts. You hear it all the time when you're young. You can't escape it. Although you hear it all the time, you'd never dream of letting any of those 'nasty' words come out of your mouth. But one day, when you're pissed at your mom, stressed because of school work, and plain out miserable it just comes to you. You wonder: Maybe if I say this one word, I'll feel better!

And then you say it:

F**k my life.

And you feel better. And then you say it again and again and again, not sure why the hell you're saying it because after a while, it doesn't help you. It doesn't change a thing. All you feel now is the need to march yourself down stairs and shove a bar of soap in your nasty, little mouth. But you don't.

You just continue to curse. In fact, around certain people who you know would have a full-blown heart attack if they heard you even mutter 'sniz nit', you almost say the mother of all curse words. You almost yell it at the opposing team during a soccer game. It starts taking over you and reminding you each time that you handle your problems in a childish way. You take the easy way out. You go against everything you learn just to feel a tiny bit better.

I guess that's another reason on the List-Of-Reasons-Jocelyn-Made-This-Blog. I want to find a better way to express how I feel. I'm sick of almost saying, "Dam*it, I forgot my tithe again!" in the middle of Church. (Do you know how screwed up that would be?) Most of all, I want to stop feeling like God is cringing every time I let one loose. Because (this is scary to me), the more I swear, the more I find myself using his name in vain too.

So, maybe this cursing thing will stop and this blog thing will go on. That would be pretty awesome, right?

:]

**Jocelyn**